How to be a Good Maximum Ride Fanfiction Author
by iAmtheRebel16
Summary: Basically what the title says: A guide on how to write a fanfic about Maximum Ride that's actually decent. I want you people to read this thing, seriously. Read it. Lot's of cursing... And spelling errors
1. Chapter 1

**I love these things, I like reading them, so I'm gonna write one my damn self! People do say they like the way I just say whatever I want, so here goes. I hope some of you find this offensive and realize that many people hate what you write, and that's why you don't get very many reviews. I hope some of you are so offended you PM me rude things and I can read through some of the things you've written so I can decide if it's crap or not. I hope I get lots and lots of review too *Wink***

Number 1: Characters

Max: Obviously, the main character of the Maximum Ride series is Maximum Ride. I get that, I understand that, and I know we all want to show off how great Max is, even JP likes to do that, so why wouldn't we? And I know that we all want to show off how well we can use adjectives and "paint a picture" in our readers heads. I _love_ doing that. Have you read my Maximum Ride fanfic? It's nothing _but_ adjectives! But too much of a good thing, is a bad thing.

In the case of fanfictions, it's crap.

I mean, would you like it if someone, pen pal maybe, wrote you a letter like this:

_"Hi, I'm Maximum Ride, I'm 15, I've got long hair that can't decide if it's brown or blonde and plain brown eyes and everyone always tells me I'm so pretty, but I really don't believe them. I dress like a tomboy, and hate wearing dresses and skirts and coming my hair and I only do it when my friends Ella and Nudge make me which is about 97.62% of the time and if any guy ever stares at my fucking ass I'm going to fucking cut his dick off because he's a fucking sexist pig!"_

Real fucking interesting.

I mean really? We know Max has an attitude, we've all read the books, and we know what she looks like. But she never say things like "Everyone always tells me I'm really pretty" if someone did say that to Max, she'd probably be really awkward and give them some weird way of thanks and move on to something she's actually good at, like giving orders. And in lots of fanfics, for some reason, they always make her curse way too much, or sound like some goody two shoes. I'm not saying she has to be as sarcastic and witty as she is in the books, because not many people actually think or talk like she does, but I am saying she curses when she feels it's necessary and she does have a bit of spunk.

And another thing: Yes, Max thinks lots of guys are "sexist pigs" because they stare at her chest or butt but she doesn't go around just randomly punching hormonal perverts. She isn't an idiot with anger management, she's a leader who can fight and believes that girls can do just as well, if not better, than guys and that we aren't toys. Respect that shit and write it correctly. Plenty of fanfics have made it seem like she just goes around cursing and punching people and being a totally obnoxious "better than thou" haughty bitch. She isn't.

And this whole "Let's dress Max up!" thing has gotten out of hand. Yes, Max never really cares what she wears, and I like fanfics that give her her own style, whether she dress like a hipster or a rebel or even just with the whole shorts/t-shirt combo. That's fine and dandy, but we really wouldn't know what kind of style Max actually has in you fanfiction if you're being all cliché and you've got Nudge and Ella primping her all the time. We won't actually have any idea of how her personality actually affects her clothes, and room, and friends. And if Max were to actually be a real person, she definitely would not let Nudge or Ella anywhere near her with make-up and curling irons! She'd want to do it herself, and she'd want to help _them_, not the other way around. We must remember Max is kind of motherly in some ways, even though she's pretty close in age to all the characters in most fanfics.

And please, please, _please_ don't waste your time describing, in fucking detail, exactly what each character is wearing! Give us a general idea, and you don't actually have to put the description of outfits in the same place. Just drop some generalities. Like if they're at a party and 4 paragraphs ago you told us what Max was wearing be all like "_Nudge's pale blue dress looked really good with her skin tone." _Or some crap like that.

Also, Max isn't one to be all like "Ew he's blah blah blah, I could never ever date him!" or "Ugh, I'm just way too popular for him!" and even if the message of you fanfic is going to be her learning high school popularity doesn't actually matter, she isn't like that. She wouldn't say something so dumb. She may be like "No, I won't ever date him. He's _definitely_ not my type." But she wouldn't be so rude, especially if he hasn't done anything wrong. And like I stated earlier, she doesn't just go biting people's head off for no reason. If some kid in the hall were to step on her foot or shove her, she'd give them a glare but she wouldn't make some big ridiculous production out of it. She likes to keep things on the low, if you haven't noticed. She has wings in the books, drawing too much attention is probably bad.

Fang: He's just a natural quiet, loner kid. I get that. And I love me a good angsty fanfic as much as the next rebel without a cause, defo. But I hate it, get this, _hate_ it, when people actually write Fang describing _himself_ as freaking emo! Like this:

_"I'm Fang. I've got black hair and eyes and I don't talk much and I'm a loner emo kid!"_

Um… pump the breaks.

I'm in love with him. I've studied his character thoroughly. And I know for a fact that he's just as witty and sarcastic and… spirited (?) as Max is. He's got a big personality like her. They think similarly and make some of the same jokes, and he's also a guy. A teenage one at that, meaning there's plenty of that's what she said and penis jokes to go around. I'm not saying he has to be one of those "sexist pigs" Max is always ranting about but I am saying that he does have a sense of humor. It's dry and sardonic but he doesn't just not talk for no reason. He doesn't talk because he never really has anything he wants to say, or because what he wants to say will make people cry. And if it is an angsty story and he cuts himself or something, it doesn't mean that he has to be all hopeless and dreary and poetry writing all the time. My fanfic isn't funny at all, there's very little humor, but he does have his moments.

Another thing, Fang wouldn't go in depth about what he or Max is wearing. He wouldn't do this:

_"I was wearing black skinny jeans, and a black Ramones shirt and black Vans. What? I like the color black. I sprayed some cologne on and mussed my hair a little, knowing it made the girls swoon. I took a look in the mirror, and winked, flipping my bangs out of my eyes. I looked damn sexy."_

And he wouldn't do this:

_"Max wore a tight red dress that hugged her curves and flared a little at the hips. Her legs were super hot and she was showing a lot of cleavage. The black pumps she wore made her calf muscles looks sexy and Nudge obviously had done her make-up. Her brown eyes looked bigger and the light pink eyeshadow went great with her skin tone. Her long hair was up in a messy up do, and the Italian leather jacket just completed the look completely."_

How does he even know these things? I mean, my brother is 20 years old and definitely would not go into the way the bodice of a dress looks. I don't even know what the heck that is and I'm a 14 year old girl! I mean, I get that you want us to know that he thinks Max is beautiful, but really? Do you think guys tell their friends about the dress his girl was wearing? No! They talk about how she looked real confident and how her hair looked a little different and her legs were deadly. In the most adoring, polite way possible of course.

We know he thinks Max is hot and we know he wear lots of black and is super-hot. I don't need clarification.

Lissa: I know she isn't actually a part of the flock, but she's the last person I'm addressing in this chapter.

Can I just say something?

She was in about… ½ a page with Fang. She kissed him, and we never actually saw her again. Yeah, she was mentioned when she went on that date with Sam, and yeah Max brought her up a few times in the other books too and yeah, Max was jealous, but does that mean she's a slut?

We don't actually know enough about Lissa to depict her as a slut. I'm not saying you have to love her, or say she's pretty, but it would make sense for you to actually make sense when writing her. I'm super tired of hearing about how Lissa is just this dirty, STD infested creep who spends all her time stalking our dearest Fangles. We get it, she kissed Fang, but in her defense, he's fucking hot. What would you have done? It doesn't make her a whore and I don't want to hear that shit anymore.

**So yeah, that's the first chappie. The next one will be characters too, Iggy, Nudge, Gazzy and Angel. I hope you like, and take into consideration and offense. This was meant to slightly hurt your feelings and make you want to prove me wrong. This is supposed to make you want to show that you're not an annoying author. SO thanks.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys! I think I'll be updating a lot this week. I've got all of it off, I didn't do much yesterday cause my mom had it off too and I'm being punished. So no phone, laptop or all that other crap. I'm not supposed to watch TV either but I only really watch X Factor, which I can watch On Demand when she's not around. I think she needs to plan her punishment better. **

**Also… you guys left some really long reviews!**

**To ****Asylum Survivor:**** Yes, I do understand and I'm here to help. I sound like some douchebag super hero who you only hear from once a month.**

**Lootmagoot:**** Ikr, I mean, when I first started on FF I wasn't aware of all the clichés but as I started reading more and more it was surprising how little people actually strayed from the norm. And wow, that sounds like a pretty interesting fanfic (?) I'd actually love to know what it is! And being a hypocrite is okay. If you feel like you need to fix what you're doing, then do that, but don't push yourself too far. I think I'm a little bit of a hypocrite for writing this when the first few chapters of my fanfic are crap. So… yeah.**

**Zippylovesshadow:**** First off, I'm glad you actually told me your account name so I wasn't just typing ****Guest**** like some lame-o. I appreciate that. And Secondly, I'm in love with Fang too, I plan on naming my first son Nickolas, after Nick Ride. Because I'm creepy like that :3 And it's totally fine. I'm a Directioner and I'm totally in love with Harry Styles but I'd be supportive if he had a girlfriend, though a little offended because he wasn't being honest about my existence :/ I advise you just keep up with your love, fight for that shit, and if you read a fanfic where Max is a total bitch queen you can rant about how Fang should let you love him. I do that all the time. I do that while reading canon stuff. So… yeah.**

**Mister Moronic****: I've actually PM'd you. But I let you down, lying and saying I was going to update that week. I'm a tool, I know, so I apologize deeply. The big words you used in your review definitely impressed me and you should just PM some of the huge adjectives in your vocabulary. Great SAT practice, though I'm 9****th**** grader so it doesn't matter.**

**VampiresExplodeInLight: ****Can I just say I love your username? It's brilliant and totally true. I don't believe that sparkling bullshit. And thanks for your review, my mom says I should be as thorough cleaning my room as I am when giving people criticism. So yeah, thanks.**

**Flygrrl: ****That was an amazing recommendation. You've got good taste dearest. I dig on that. Keep up the good work and review some more, I like you.**

**Miss Anon: **** Right! Fang is totally hot, from what I deduced from his description and what his manga character looks like, and any girl would fall for him. He's Nick fucking Ride. Dude. And I had to rant about that, I'm so tired of everyone always doing the Nudge/Ella/Angel B.S. They all know and love Max and they know that that would not fly with her (pun intended even though it was shit) so I don't know why people continue to do that. I mean, Nudge dresses Max in one of my fanfics, but it's just Nudge saying "I think you should wear a dress" not some whole weird… thing. And the Lissa thing I won't even get started on or I won't shut up. I'm glad you agree!**

**And lastly ****CakeIsAGoodFriend:**** I agree with you username. And also, I've read your fics, and let me tell you, you, PiperElizabethMcLean, . .Cute anad a few others do a really good job with making clichés really cool and original and funny without trying too hard and being irritating. So I love clichés myself, when used in an appropriate manner. Also, I think I've actually read the beginning of you How To guide and that must be the one that made me want to write my own. So thanks for that. I don't think your stories are crap, they're actually much better than mine considering the amount of reviews you get one them ;) so keep writing!**

**On with the chapter!**

Number 1, Part 2: Characters

Iggy: There really isn't all that much for me to say about the Igmiester, except that I don't think he's scared of Fang. I've only read like two or three fanfics when someone makes Iggy legit afraid of the Prince of Darkness, AKA Fang,and I don't really like it. I think Iggy has a respect for Fang, and that they get along well because they're guys. If Fang liked some girl and Iggy ended up kissing her, he wouldn't be scared of Fang necessarily. I think he'd just be all like "Fang's gonna beat the shit outta me," but he wouldn't be hiding in empty classrooms or behind doors. We're all afraid to get pounded in the face by a strong mutant bird kid but not scared of mutant bird kids. We have nothing to fear if we don't bother them. Plain and simple.

Also. I get that he's a perv, it's funny, I like that, I get a kick out of it. But, if you're going to make him a perv, go talk to a guy or something so it will actually be funny if you're not sure. I hate it when people put that's what she said jokes in random spots and they don't fit. If that's not the joke like:

"Hahaha, that's what she said," Iggy chuckled dopily.

"That doesn't fit," Max muttered, irritated.

"_That's_ what she said." Fang giggled.

So, that sounded kinda weird, like way too stiff for something I'd write, but you get the general idea, right? Good, moving on.

Nudge: So they call her the Nudge Channel, 'cause it's all Nudge, all the time. I get that shit! She fucking talks… a lot. She's got fracking air sacs, no shit she can talk a lot. They all could if they wanted to. But what I'm saying is… don't make her talk about stupid stuff. She's not an idiot, she usually rants when she's excited or nervous, and not every time words come out of her mouth. If she did that I'm sure Fang would surprise us all and make her swallow bleach or something.

And also, she would stick up for any member of the flock if needed. She's not some weakling. And just because she's black doesn't mean she's automatically some ghetto slut! I mean, really! Shame on you for perpetuating stereotypes! I read this one fic, from a long time ago, probably a few months, and the whole time Max was always like "Oh Nudge is out with her gang banger boyfriend, I sure as hell hope she doesn't get pregnant," I mean, I'm part African-American, my mom's black, and that isn't true, trust me. She has a job, and yeah she's got 4 kids with 3 different dad's, I'm not afraid to admit it, but she fucking takes care of her kids and she has a job. She doesn't sit around on her ass waiting for food stamps and busting out babies. Sorry for that rant, but neither does Nudge. So please, please, _please_ don't make her like that.

Angel: Angel, just what her name says. She's this beautiful little person and everyone loves her. All I can say is: I don't like it when people make her too devious. I've got a soft spot for her, mostly because she's the youngest and also the Gasman's sister. That's about it.

The Gasman: He's really cute. But he isn't some weird stalker. He loves Iggy, Iggy doesn't hate him. I know there are some really realistic stories where after a while, Igs and Gazzy grow up and don't feel the need to blow shit up all the time. But don't be weird about it. I've never really written one like that, and I haven't read too many where Gazzy was some crazy stalker kid. It just creeps me out and seems weird.

I bet you guys can tell I've got an AP vocabulary.

Ella:  So she's like Max's half-sister and all that jazz, right? Great! That's amazing. She's not some psychopathic maniac trying to make Max get her slut on. I get it, she just wants Max to look and feel beautiful but she's not insane. Also, I get she has a crush on Iggy, but can we make it like a real life crush? There are some girls, who, when they have a crush on someone are shy and blushing around the guy, there are some who act natural and are caught giving lingering stares or touches, and there are some who avoid him all together. There aren't very many that beat girls up and pimp themselves out like hookers. I can't imagine Ella doing that, and I can't imagine Iggy actually going for any girl that did. Yep.

**And then the chapter was over. Sorry, it's a little short and mostly just replies to reviews :/ but that all folks. I'm thinking of updating tomorrow, so review like crazy.**

**You wanna know what musician I'm obsessed with right now? Fucking Damien Rice. I'm listening to the Blower's Daughter right now. The man is talented. He's from Dublin, Ireland, and he's great. Where are all the Irish readers? I want them to know I'm cultured too, like all the rest of you Europeans.**


	3. Chapter 3

**So it's been a while, aye? I've got this day off of school so I'll spend my time updating and agonizing over the quality of my chapters. They may be long, may be short… idk. I might update twice, you never know. And also, you may have noticed that sometimes there's an extra a in a word and it looks stupid. My keyboard's all fucked up so anytime my finger even touches the a key, the letter a pops up and it's annoying because in typing class I was told to keep my fingers resting on the letter, you know? I can't just break the habit because my keyboard is in need of fixing. Also, by the time Christmas passes, I'll probably be updating more. My daddy bought me a tablet. I know this because he mailed it to my mom's house, and I opened the box not knowing it was Christmas gifts :3 I also got a $200 gift card to Rue 21! It's definitely my favorite place to shop. My mom got me a gift card to Forever 21, close second favorite place to shop, some Chuck Taylor's and boots and clothes and crap. I feel like I'm bragging, but I LOVE Christmas and hearing what people are getting, so feel free to ramble about it J**

**This chapter is going to be all about descriptions.**

So basically, when describing something, you want to get in depth to make sure your reader gets a good imaginative picture of setting, characters and all that stuff. It is a good thing to incorporate lots of adjectives and such, so don't drop them.

But don't overuse them either. Too much of a good thing, can be a bad thing. Like trying Ecstasy and then doing it too much will eventually kill you. Too many adjectives in one paragraph will eventually bore your readers and make them want to exit you fanfiction. So it may say you've got 5,000 viewers but only half of those people may have actually read the thing! And I want people to have lots of reviews, it makes me happy when I see other people fangirling over the amount of people who favorite and subscribe to their stories.

For example: _My room is not huge, but it isn't too small either. My carpet is this nice off white color, and I have a full sized, white post daybed. My comforter is zebra striped with purple and maroon trim to match the thick vampire, floor length curtains over my window. I have lots of pillows anad stuffed animals all over the place, sprawled anywhere ensure ultimate fluffy comfortable-ness. I have dark blue walls, covered in posters. Asking Alexandria to Marilyn Manson to One Direction to the Unbecoming of Mara Dyer. There's a large chalk board next to my white dresser with notes and doodles and a corkboard next to my bed with to-do lists and notes from school. Above my bed, on my wall are lots of CD's and pictures and trophies that I've accumulated over the years and I like showing them to people because it shows how much I care._

If you have not noticed, I just described an awesome bedroom.

But nothing actually happened in that paragraph. That's like eight sentences of absolutely no action, no plot, just pure description. There's no emotion in it, no real meaning behind it.

In other words, it was _boring_. You probably didn't even read the whole thing. That was a paragraph from one of the first stories I'd ever written, way back in like… 5th course, I swithed the Jonas Brothers with One Direction, but other than that it's basically the same. I'm in 9th grade now, I think in the UK I'd be in that stage before 6th form or whatever, and I know, from reading, from writing, from listening, that that paragraph would not be okay. Imagine a whole 17 chapter fanfiction written in that style. Now imagine a whole book written in that style. A whole series. Imagine a whole trilogy, 400 pages each, books written like that, with absolutely no emotion. Reading it back to myself, my voice was totally monotone by the second sentence. It becomes redundant and repetitive and lengthy and irritating and I don't like reading stories like that.

Let's revise that paragraph.

_I know it sounds stupid, but my room is my favorite place in the world. It's decorated in dark blues, purples, and maroon with zebra stripes here and there. Posters cover the majority of my dark blue walls, and shelves above my bed hold CD's, trophies, medals, pictures of perfect memories. It's like the only place where I can be original. I can have Marilyn Manson and One Direction posters in the same vicinity and not be laughed at because it's _my_ room. _

That's somewhat better. It sounds way too proper to be Max, but it's out of context, and it wasn't even a fanfiction. It was just some random ass story I started for no reason. It tells you how the character feels, and even though I didn't go in depth, you can still get a relatively good image of her room if you use your imagination right? And don't mention every detail, because later you may want to mention the chalkboard and why she has it, but if you've already said that in the first chapter 7 times, it become repetitive and annoying. You know what I'm saying?

Now let's get into metaphors. I know, in my story (Shameless advertising), Playing With Fire, some of the things I say don't make a lot of sense until you think.

_"I want to melt through the floor because I can't speak to her or I will crumble. I can't think of her because she's so bright, she's so happy and there's no room for fire in my world of ice."_

_That line is brilliant. I'm not very far into your fic (I just stumbled across it on the main page) but so far I'm liking it. A few of the metaphors seem odd, but it's a good kind of odd. A fitting kind of odd. I'm definitely looking forward to reading the rest. :)_

So that is a review I got. And this is probably my favorite review on any of my stories… ever. If the person who left the review is reading this, and I won't say who (They'll know who I'm talking about I hope), they should feel really proud for being an example.

I wrote that line because I wanted to show how screwy Fang's mind could be. We always think of him as being this calm, level headed guy, you know, Mr. Three C's, but in my fic he's supposed to be falling apart a little bit. His psyche is supposed to be a little jumbled. And I'm saying that he was basically super embarrassed because he was afraid to talk to her (Lissa), and he's got this idea in his head that everyone is so much happier than him, hence his "world of ice". He thinks Lissais really happy, and that she brings too much light for him. And as we know, fire and ice don't mix very well. He's trying to save himself some more heart ache. I don't know if that much was clear, but that's what I meant through it.

_Wow. That's like all I can say right now. This story is just amazing. You're so descriptive and the songs had me almost crying when I read Fang was. And this is going to sound really unrealistic, but when I finished the last chapter I let out a huge breath like I hadn't been breathing for 20 minutes. The way you write it just like sucks me into the story like I am that character. I could spend days writing how awesome this story is and a writer you are, but I'm going to end it and say please update so I can drown myself in this story again. Update. :)_

This is another. (I'm not trying to brag, trust me) I was really proud of myself for earning this review too. And I want everyone to be able to get reviews that make them feel the way I did. As aspiring writers we should all get used to having praise because getting one compliment will make you strive for another one. Getting amazing reviews like this (And I hope the person who left it is reading this) will make you want to be so much better. So read and take consideration to your reviews.

An exercise I do is trying to put every single emotion I feel when reading a review into words. Long, flowing words that would suck _you_ into a book. Write something that you would read. If you find your own writing boring and lacking emotion, other people definitely will. If you hear yourself starting to get repetitive, do you think people who don't even know you won't?

While reading the first two chapters of this back to myself, I realized that I'm a total douchebag and you people probably think I am too, which is why I cut back on cursing and ranting and shit.

While reading the first few chapters of Playing With Fire, I realized there was no action, so I tried to do this whole Iggy/Gazzy blow something up thing and it was a total flop. But you have to try things to get better, right?

So these metaphors. When you're happy, try to make that emotion into a metaphor or simile (Which if you don't know is a metaphor using like or as), when you're sad, try and put that into words (which is actually a helluva lot easier for me), when you're confused make that into a sentence. I find I really love trying to write metaphors and similes about confusing because I'm not good at it and it makes me laugh.

One fanfic that may help (Shameless advertising for a friend) is called Going Under. It's a Percy Jackson fic, rated M I think for lots of swearing and plenty of drug/alcohol abuse and sexual references. I can't type the author's names because Fanfiction just edits it out. But my friend, who wrote it, does a really good job of making Percy seem legitimately confuzzled. It's a little fast paced for my tastes, not enough time passes between big events, but other than that it's pretty amazing. So read that.

Thanks for reading and take all this shit into consideration!

**Also, I'm so serious about telling me what you think you're getting for Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza or anything else. Or tell me what you got other people J and review. Please. I beg of you.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys. I'm in a pissy mood, so I decided that there isn't a better way to let it all out than rant about how stupid everyone else is. I had a half day today, so…. Yeah. Also, I'm on wattpad now, as MeltingPopsicles, so check me out? Ummm yeah.**

**This chapter's all about the action.**

Number 3: Actiontastic

So, depending on how long you want your fanfiction to be, you need to learn how to effectively keep your plot ordered to keep your readers interested and not always expecting some huge explosion or something. Like, when you read a novel, say Twilight for instance (This is an amazing example), there's always lots of rising action. In twilight, there are about 6 15-20 page chapters before something even remotely interesting happened. Wanna know why?

Because Stephanie Meyer is fucking boring.

There's that, and there's the fact that Stephanie Meyer is a little to angst ridden and whiny to be a middle aged woman, and there's also the fact that she's still too high school also because nothing in the first Twilight is actually that big of a deal.

There's all these reasons why, but the main one, is that Stephanie Meyer knows how to pace herself. I'm sure if she'd just thrown out the fact that Edward was a vampire out in one of the first 6 chapters, we all would've been like "Okay… who gives a fuck?" because the climax wasn't until the _last_ 6 or 7 chapters. I mean, you can't have some crazy ridiculous shit happen in the beginning, all types of boring, mundane, go-fuck-yourself bullshit in the middle, and then have all kinds of holy-shit worthy crap at the end. No one's going to make it to the really good stuff because they're going to drop your fanfiction so fast, it won't make any sense.

Another thing:

When you write your action, can you try not to make things too complex? Max and Co. kick lots-o-ass, as we all know, but when JP writes the shit he goes "I did a mean roundhouse kick into his chest and flew up into the air, so his meaty arms couldn't wrap around me" or something like that. He doesn't go "Carefully calculating every move I quickly lift my leg off of the ground and swipe if over his chest, placing my foot perfectly so that I know my metacarpal dug slightly into his clavicle and knocked the wind out of him. Next, I extended my wings, with extra force in an attempt to not only shock him, but push him away so that I could get far enough into the air and he wouldn't be able to drag me down again"

I just made one sentence into a whole unnecessary fucking paragraph, and as the moves and dynamics get more and more intense and quickly moving, not only will your reader have a totally distorted view on how much time has passed (Unless you put, "And all in a matter of 10 seconds after every bit), but eventually, readers won't actually know what the fuck has just happened. I forgot I was talking about a fucking roundhouse until I reread the lines above. That's how ridiculous that is.

And also, when writing action, make it realistic. Think of all the shit you would do in the situation, or think of cool shit you've seen people do in movies, or what you think would move fluently with your body or what the fuck ever. I'm becoming thoroughly irritated with people always thinking they're the bees'-knees because they can use four pages to say "I kicked him in the face, and, using my momentum, I swung my left arm into his jaw."

Because that was oh so fucking complicated.

NEXT CHAPTER. Fuck.


	5. Chapter 5

**Double update bitches. :)**

Number Four: Smut

Okay, so I know, I'm like 14 (Birthday's on Sunday!)a and so this shouldn't even concern me, but, as we all know, my whole generation is just fucked and totally falling to shit and, yes, we're all going to hell. I like to read about penises, so sue me.

Basically, I like dirty smut. Meaning I like the whole maoaning-spanking-dirty-talking-cock-sucking-deliciousness. That shit just gets me going (Oddly enough, I mean, I've never even had my first kiss...) And I know not everyone likes that. Some girls, most girls, like to heara aabout sweet, sweet love making and cute fluff and for the authors not to go into so much dirty details, and that's totally fine.

I'm just saying, you better know where the fuck you're going when _I'm_a a goddamn viewer.

The small amount of smut I've actually written, has never, in fact, been very... stimulating (?) to me. I think the best smut I write is about characters I make up because I know their personalities and fetishes and shit like nobody's business. The best smutty one-shot I've written for Fanfiction is unpublished, though you guys seemed to have enjoyed Stop Sneaking Up On Me (SSUOM?)

Basically, the note for this chapter is to know whether or not you're doing cute fluffy romance, or rough I-wannaa-fuck-you-sooo-bad type of shit. Like, if you're writing pure rutting- yes I used that word correctly (I think)- then we you have to include the panting-moanaing-sweat-dripping-down-your-spine goodness.

I am aware of the fact that I'm using lots of parenthesees anda hyphens and curse words.

And another thing: Don't be fucking cunt about smut. If you're reading something that has obviously been labeled Rated M or slash, or smut, and doesn't saya fluff, then you better know what the hell you're getting yourself into. This paragraph is more directed towards readers, but it needs to be said. If you don't like the shit, GTFO. The fuck are you doing, reading the whole thing? If you don't like the words pussy, cock, vagina, penis, dick, cunt, slit, etc. then I can't fucking help you, and you need to keep it fucking moving. Don't comment about it being "Disgusting" because it's a natural thing. How the fuck do you think you're here? Did the fucking African stork bring your ass to your mom's door? And eventually, you're probably going to haave sex too, unless you're a nun or Buddhist monk, so stop being such a hypocrite, because no one is forcing you to read it.

Authors, feel free to post that whole paragraph worth of rant as a respone if you need to.

And I'm saying this because authors don't need to hear about how much you hate it. When I read comments like that, I'm just like "So yeah, basically you're a slut, cunt, hoe-bag, stupid ass hoe and you need to sit the fuck down somewhere with your no respect having ass." And I'm not sorry about that shit. You don't have to love it, or like it even, but you can respect the fact that some people do. Like Haylor. I'm just like "Idek man, just fuck that Haylor bullshit." but you don't see me getting all big and bad with Taylor Swift anad _tweeting_ her death threats. (I'm going to leave it there, because we don't need to rant about that)

Sometimes people are just in the mood to write about having Fang's penis inside their vagina. Give them credit for being able to make you all hot anad bothered anad keep it moving.

Bitch.

**So yeah, double update. Hope you liked it. Sorry for the excessive amount of cursing and/or typos. I just didn't feel like actually revising anything. Happy belated New Year's.**


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